Frozen Embryo Babies
Today we had our appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist to discuss what embryos we were able to freeze. We were very happy with how my body responded to the meds and that 15 fertilized. 6 babies were frozen on day 5 and 3 were frozen on day 6! 2 of those 3 frozen on day 5 were frozen "out of protocol" which basically means they would have thrown them away because it was unlikely they would result in a viable birth...or may not even survive a thaw. We chose to chose embryos out of protocol the last time as well. Justin and I both decided that if any embryos are alive we are freezing them and giving them a chance...we will let God decide if the embryo survives a thaw, implants, or become a live birth. We are praising God for these miracle embryos of ours and are counting our blessings.
I would not be telling the entire truth if I did not express my anxiety and concern of the thought of going to through 9 more frozen transfers (if we decide to only transfer one at a time). Mentally and physically prepping your body to transfer a frozen embryo is tough, not to mention the financial aspects. It has been extremely tough this time going to appointment after appointment having our 18 month old son. It just wasn't possible to keep it a secret from my mom this time. I needed someone who could watch him whenever I needed to go to an appointment. She has been incredible not asking questions, other than "how are you doing?". And for that I am so grateful. I can't imagine going through a frozen embryo transfer with another little one in the mix. But I know I will have to trust in God and be grateful for the incredible support system that we have and lean on them when that time comes.
I'm also overwhelmed at the thought of my dream of having 3 or 4 children, just MIGHT comes true...which I NEVER thought would happen after going through infertility. Overwhelmed with joy..and overwhelmed with fear because I have NO CLUE what I'm doing raising Grady. There are days where I throw my hands up and ask the Lord to take over when he is throwing those toddler temper tantrums or isn't speaking as many words as I think he should be or doesn't want to eat vegetables. The thought of being able to raise another little one and love them just as much as I love Grady seems impossible. I don't feel there is any more room in my heart. But I do know this isn't true, but I do think this way at times!
Infertility is tough. Even when you get what you've prayed for, for us in this case was to have frozen embryos to transfer. Our next prayer is that this transfer in 18 days results in a healthy and happy pregnancy and baby. Knowing we have several more transfers left in our future is a tough pill to swallow right now just because of the toll it takes on your body. We don't have that option to just stop at 2 at this point if we feel our family is complete. I truly don't think we would ever feel that way, but that thought comes to mind. Other people who don't struggle with infertility or have frozen embryos are able to make the decision to stop growing their family when they want. I never thought these thoughts would ever come to mind, but I'm sure I'm not the only one. And some people may be fine with leaving their embryos frozen if they decide their family is complete. But for me and Justin, this wasn't an option for either of us.
I've been feeling a tug at my heart to do something with our journey. That's actually why I started this blog. I would like to eventually start a business with health coaching focusing on infertility but there have been several "signs" pointing me in the way of maybe just starting a support group or short term small group at this time? I am a believer in sharing your testimony. Now this is all new for me, and I'm not good at speaking, but God did put us through this season for a reason. And I believe it is to help others through in someway. I want to glorify God through all of this. I'm not sure what exactly that looks like, but I am praying that the Holy Spirit guides me. I pray the same prayer for you. Is there someone in your life going through infertility that you could help support? Maybe its just a text message or phone call. The best gift a friend who has a friend going through infertility is to ask them how they are doing, as how their appointment went--atleast for me. It's nice just to know someone cares. If they haven't been through infertility, they don't understand but they can still let you know they love you. But my friend, you reading this, YOU have been chosen to go down this infertility road and you understand the sting, the heart break, the hopelessness, the strain on your marriage. YOU can relate to someone else going down this journey. Why? Because you've lived it or are currently living it. So step in and be the hands and feet of Jesus!
Love and baby blessings!