Frozen Embryo Not Surviving the Thaw
I never thought I would be in this journey, going through infertility treatments. NEVER did I think we would have a miscarriage...that just wasn't a part of our story. Or so I thought. But July of this year, that became part of our story when there was no heart beat at our 7 week ultrasound after transferring our last frozen embryo from our first round of IVF. NEVER did I think that an embryo would not survive a thaw, let alone our "best graded", "our #1". Hearing these words felt like a knife stabbing my heart, "Unfortunately your 5AB didn't survive the thaw. We usually have very good thaw rates. But the good news is you still have 7 left....do you have any questions about the transfer?" My heart was breaking and my mind couldn't concentrate on anything other than trying to fight back tears. I couldn't even think well enough to come up with a question. "No," I said as I looked at Justin and lowered my head. "Okay let me see if they're ready and you can come on back." I am so incredibly grateful that we do have other frozen embryos and unfortunately the other couple who was transferring with us today, their first thawed embryo didn't survive today either and they were transferring their one and only embryo today. I overheard the girl asking the doctor, "What do we do next if this doesn't work. I'm nervous." "We would do something very similar to what we did this time," said the doctor. This seems simple from a Birdseye view but going through the financial, mental and physical burdens of IVF it is not that easy. It's not just something you jump right into because an embryo didn't survive the thaw and you only had one to transfer. I pray for that couple. I pray that God brings them comfort over these next 9 days until they receive their results of their pregnancy tests. I pray for their broken hearts from losing a baby embryo. I pray God grants them the desires of their hearts to become parents to a precious baby.
Today has been filled with many tears and trying to choose to trust God. But today is one of those tough days on this journey. A day where I am questioning God's plan even though I know his plan is far better than I can ever imagine. But right now my heart hurts. Just like you would express your true feelings to your husband, your mom or your best friend, I think it's important to do the same when talking with God. He knows your true feelings so why do we try to mask them and pray "proper"? After speaking with God today and telling him about my anger and my sadness I did feel better. I told him my frustration with my doctors words and in the same breath I also thanked Him for providing my doctor with the skills and expertise He provides to my doctor and his staff. I express my sadness that we've lost yet another embryo, but thanked Him for our precious baby boy that we get to hold every day that others on this journey may not have. I expressed my guilt for choosing to go through IVF again in hopes to give Grady a sibling and yet again we lost an embryo, one that wasn't even given a chance to transfer. But I then thanked him for providing some insurance coverage this round and for having a supportive husband who does not have any regret about going through IVF and staying positive when I'm not. I told God about my anger and frustration for having to be going down this infertility journey again, but then I thanked him for allowing this to be mine and Justin's cross to carry because it has grown us closer as a couple and so much closer to Him. I pray that through this journey of ours, we can show others struggling with infertility Gods goodness, mercy, and love.
Infertility is hard. Miscarriages are hard. Negative pregnancy tests are hard. Some days, choosing to trust God is hard. God never said this life would be easy. Actually he says we will face trials in this life "I have told you all this so that you may have leave in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33.
God has given you this journey, it is yours. Just like this journey is mine. Others have been given the journey of cancer. Some financial struggles. Some years of looking for that special spouse. Some the battle of mental illness. Everyone has their own struggles. What we choose to do with those struggles and how we handle those struggles is our choice. So my question for you today my question for you is, what are you good to do with your journey? For me; at the end of all of those I'm hoping to be more like Christ, more loving to all people (even pregnant people ;), and maybe I'll be able to help someone through a similar journey one day and give them hope. I'm going to choose not to dwell on the negative, but also know I'm human and it's okay to have bad days. I'm going to choose to pray and trust in God and thank him for all I have.
Love and baby blessings ❤️