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  • Andrea Kohlmeyer

Secondary Infertility

Yesterday I had bloodwork to check my progesterone and estrogen for our FET in 2 days! My husband had to work and I didn't want to ask my mom to watch our son because we are trying to keep our transfer a surprise, so Grady came with me. I remember the feelings and thoughts I had when I saw kids in the waiting room at the fertility clinic the first time I went through IVF. Why is she here at the fertility clinic....she already has a child? Couldn't she find someone to watch her kid(s) for the sake of "our" emotions? Doesn't she understand how painful it is for "us" to see her with her other kids. Looking back on these thoughts, this was the devil creeping in and I failed to stomp him down. I don't know any one else's story. Maybe they were nieces or nephews, foster kids, or maybe she had to go through fertility treatments to have that baby. Or like me, she was blessed to have a miracle baby through IVF and also has frozen embryos that they are going to transfer. And none of this matters, all that matters is she is hurting too, going to appointment after appointment to try to have a baby just like me. Whether this is for a baby #1 or baby #10. Just like me yesterday, for some reason she had to (or for that matter chose to) bring her little one(s) to her appointment with her. Maybe it is comforting for her to have that little one with her and if that's the case--you take that precious gift from God with you to every appointment and don't look back. Now being on this side, having 1 healthy baby and going through IVF again I have a completely different view when I see mom's with little ones with them at appointments. When the mom is trying to "shush" her little one, turning on YouTube videos and filling their mouths with snacks just to try to keep them quiet in the waiting room--I want to hug that mama and tell her it's okay and seeing her with kids could be giving other future mama's hope. I want to tell her that these appointments, stressing whether to spend time away from your little ones to go to these appointments or stressing because you are taking your little ones with you...it's so worth it to work towards your heart's goal to have a baby. I know mine and Justin's heart tells us to try to provide a sibling for Grady. My heart is in it to have 3 or 4 kids! So who knows...a few years down the road, I may be having to bring 2 or 3 kiddos with me to appointments to be able to transfer all of our little frozen embryos.

So for all of those girls going through this the first time around and who were like me, who felt bitterness and jealousy towards those who bring their kiddos into fertility clinics, I pray for you. Because I was you. It hurt. I thought they were trying to show off that they had kids and I didn't. Sweet sister this is not the case. We are all in this together. God has put the desire on these couples hearts to have a child or children and we all need to join together and pray that God grants us the desires heart.

I wish I would have memorized this verse the first time going through IVF to help me rid of these jealous thoughts, "A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones" Proverbs 14:30.

Love and baby blessings

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